A Cross to Bear
by Mrs.Scarlettbutler
Summary: What if your love is dangerous to give to others? Please R
1. Chapter 1

_I don't owe the characters of Scarlett O'Hara, Rhett Butleror the characters in Gone With the Wind but I do owe this story-well part of it._

(A/N this story follows the book in the beginning but with another twist. If anybody likes the first chapter I will keep posting more chapters.)

The next day a telegram arrived from Ashley's body-servant; "I have looked everywhere and can't find him. Must I come home?" Scarlett, Melanie and aunt Pittypat were terrified what did it means; they hurried to the telegram office where a new telegram came "Regret to inform you Major Wilkes missing since scouting expedition three days ago. Will keep you informed". The home trip was a quiet affair aunt Pittypat cried, Melanie was deathly white and Scarlett was stunned. Back in the house Scarlett ran to her room and her Rosary but tears and prayers wouldn't come "I'm being punished from wanting another wife's husband. I've killed him by loving him" her door open and Melanie entered she looked like a lost child her eyes wide with fear and sorrow "Please forgive my words of yesterday you are all I have now". Together the two women broke down and cried at Scarlett's bed in one another's arms. This time Scarlett was affected by her actions, she really believed she was the one responsible for Ashley's missing, she didn't know what to do. "My love has killed him. My love is dangerous" she repeated over and over in her head. And she remembered her last moments with Ashley and knew she was now being punished for throwing herself on at married man;

"_I will do anything for you Ashley". "Will you Scarlett, then promise me to take care of Melanie, she has no one but me and I fear what will happen to her if I'm not here. She loves you so Scarlett please look after her" Scarlett was angry he talked about his wife when she wanted him to declare his undying lover for her, but she was frighten when she heard him talk of not being here anymore "I will! I will Ashley! I love you! I have never loved anyone but you not even Charles". Ashley looked unhappy at her, standing very close to her "Say you love me and kiss me Ashley". Ashley pressed his lips against hers for a brief moment; his lips were cold against hers and then broke free without saying the three words she wanted to hear. "You are so strong Scarlett, please remember your promise when the Yankees win the war I will be far from here" then he left her. Scarlett was happier then ever for the next two months "He loves me I now he does and after the war…" What would happen after the war she didn't knew but Ashley would find a way to be with her she was sure, Scarlett was sure there was no other man as Ashley and only he could make her happy. _

Scarlett also remembered her reaction to Melanie's news of her having Ashley's baby, her Ashley's baby "No I must never think of him as mine anymore. Mother of God has mercy on me. This will be harder then I expected" but she couldn't block out the memories and thoughts of that event; _In late Marts Melanie told Scarlett her sweet news Scarlett was absent minded brushing her hair when Melanie open her door; "Oh Scarlett I carrying a baby, now I will have a part of Ashley no matter what happens. I so wanted a baby I want a dozen of babies". Scarlett paled sickly Melanie would have Ashley's baby "What will I have, I was supposed to have Ashley's babies" she just starred at Melanie with shock in her eyes, "Oh forgive me dear I am being selfish, now I got you to think of Charles and that you don't- Forgive me!" Melanie walked towards Scarlett."You leave me", Melanie now in tears hurried out the room. Scarlett throws herself on the bed, her life was over, Ashley had betrayed her with his own wife "Life wasn't fair I know he loves me not her. I only want Ashley"_

"Now Ashley will never be mine. Damn Ashley, why did he not stop me when I throw myself at him, if he had I wouldn't have this cross to bear. Why are men so selfish?". Indeed life was unfair to Scarlett O'Hara Hamilton she just wanted to be the belle of the county again and not the widow of some foolish boy, "Men find the young girls more attractive then a young widow and I'm so much prettier then any foolish girl. But at least I have all the beaux I want except-no I must not think that, he is the only one I never can have now. Damn Melanie and the Wilkes family for always marrying into family".

Chapter two will be up soon


	2. Chapter 2

_Don't owe the characters of Scarlett O'Hara, Rhett Butler and the characters in Gone With the Wind but I do owe this story-well part of it._

_Thanks for reviews and corrections _

(A/N. Posting this story might take longer time then expected because I've decided to delete the chapters already written and start all over again)

The next few days were spent in endless waiting for news of Ashley, Scarlett hated how quiet and empty the house was these days, it gave her too much time alone with her thoughts. She didn't have the nursing to occupy her time; no one expected her to go when Ashley's fate was unknown. Scarlett missed the attention from the wounded soldiers and their open admiration of her beauty.

More then ever she carved men's attention to fill the void of pain and fear in her, if only men would love her she couldn't be that bad a person.

"I must be an evil person when my love endangers other people. Why was I so stupid to love a married man? Ashley must have known but he didn't stop me. I hate him-Oh No! Mother of God, forgive me".

Melanie was wearing herself out she couldn't find rest, every day she went to the telegram office and met the trains delivering letters. The first reports were;

"Missing- Believed killed" then they changed to; "Missing -believed captured."

Now they dared hoping Ashley was alive. One day it was too much for Melanie and Rhett Butler brought her home, she had fainted from fatigue at the train station. He softly asked if she was with child, the shy Melanie would have died from shame, if she hadn't felt so faintly. Rhett Butler promised to use his connections to locate Ashley but only if Melanie took care of herself from now on.

He kept his word and, when a month had passed, he had the news that Ashley was kept captured in Rock Island, the worse prisoner camp the Yankees had, being there was almost equal being death. And Ashley was presumed death.

Scarlett almost fainted from the news and she turned sickly white;

"Will this ever stop? Until now I had the hope that I hadn't killed Ashley, but now that hope is gone and I'm forever stuck with Melanie and her baby. Who can ever help me?"

Rhett kept his attention on Melanie but secretly he was watching Scarlett more closely, he saw how the news of Ashley's death shook her and misunderstood it to be caused by her girlish love. But at that moment Scarlett wasn't thinking of Ashley with any love just as the burden he had become to her. A cross to bear. Scarlett had never been one to consider the feelings of others and she didn't start now, she paled from her bad conscience and fear of what her punishment would be besides Melanie and her unborn baby.

"At least I have his baby" Melanie repeated over and over until Scarlett felt like screaming and had to leave the room. "Can't Melanie be a lady about her having a baby and not talk about it all the time, it's hard to ignore Ashley's baby with her mentioning it every other second."

Rhett stayed with Melanie a little longer before he joined Scarlett in the parlour.

"It will be a difficult time for Mrs. Wilkes, she will need extra care in her condition. I will gladly help in any way I can Mrs. Hamilton. Just let me know what you need. I will drop by as often as I can."

"What about me? No one cares about me,"

"You will manage just fine, you're a survivor Mrs. Hamilton. Besides I thought it was Mrs. Wilkes who lost a husband but maybe I was wrong?"

"Go to hell Rhett Butler- I don't need you!"

"I know that you don't and I will most gladly leave you" with a hard expression in his face he bowed in a rude gesture and left.

Life continued. Melanie was heartbroken and stayed in bed most of the time. Dr. Meade was worried that the pregnancy would be too much for her to handle. Scarlett was scared to death; she couldn't loose Melanie too, not after she promised Ashley to take care of her, soon her fear turned into anger.

"How dare Melanie do this to me? How can she be so selfish?"

One day Scarlett couldn't control her anger anymore and slammed Melanie's door open. "Melanie Wilkes you will stop feeling sorry for your self now, think about your baby, you can't just give up! I will not let you do this to me. Ashley won't come back because you make yourself sick. You will get out of that bed every day now, at least for a few hours"

First Melanie looked hurt and started to cry but before long her face calmed.

"Thank you Scarlett, I had forgotten that you love me and that I really want this baby. I will take excellent care of my baby from now on; it's the one piece, I have left of my dear, dear Ashley. I do love you Scarlett."

Scarlett clinched her teeth tightly together "Melanie is silly and stupid as a goose to love me. I don't want her love. I wish she was some one else's burden."

A new light had come to Melanie's eyes and the very same day she left her bed to take supper with Scarlett, aunt Pittypat and their two guests; Rhett Butler and Scarlett's latest beau Captain Ashburn.

Rhett took special care of Melanie all night and listened to her tales of Ashley without any discomfort but honest interest,

"How can Rhett stands her foolish talking, I know how he dislikes Ashley but he always had a soft spot for Melanie. I wonder why?" Scarlett was in a sullen mood, Rhett didn't notice her and Captain Ashburn was annoying with his talk of war and his hope for marriage.

"I will kill him if he proposes!"

Indeed Captain Ashburn wanted to propose to Scarlett, he was frustrated that his courting of her didn't lead anywhere "Would you like some fresh air Mrs. Hamilton" he asked.

"No thanks, I'm not looking for a cold" Scarlett replied in a harsh tone.

Captain Ashburn was taken aback; this was a Scarlett he didn't know, normally she was so delicate. Perhaps more then just a little energized but sweet.

Two pair of eyes turned to Scarlett, Melanie's was ashamed and Rhett's amused, his soft chuckle was heard as he politely asked Scarlett to walk him out. She reluctantly obeyed.

"Thanks for a nice evening in your gentle and caring company Mrs. Hamilton," he mocked, Scarlett gave him a cold stare

"No one forced you to be here Captain Butler, you are free to find more pleasant company."

"Touché! Perhaps I will escort myself to a more friendly company"

"Go to he-" Scarlett was interrupted when Captain Ashburn came closer. He was also excusing himself; no gentleman would remain alone with two women at this hour of day. Scarlett quickly said her goodbyes and returned to the house.

"What more pleasant company Rhett Butler find and where. What did he mean? Never mind! It's not that I care".

Inside she helped Melanie to bed "I know you have a hard time forgetting poor Charlie but don't be so hard on men Scarlett. Charlie would want you to find love again" she said in her soft, kind voice, it broke her heart to see Scarlett alone and she was so young.

"Hush Melanie. Goodnight"

"Poor child still so upset with loosing Charles" Melanie thought when Scarlett left her.

Scarlett was in no mood to hear about finding love again, love was forbidden for her.

The war came closer to Atlanta, in fact the battle was fought in Atlanta's backyard, Scarlett was scared and had enough of the war, there was no glory in war only shortage of every thing worth having, and it stopped all the fun of life. The wounded soldiers were in too bad shapes to be beaux anymore and the shortage of medicine made nursing unbearable, and she hated the smell of sickness and the amputations. "Why did we ever start this war? Men are like little boys, if they can have a war, they never once consider the consequences it will mean to women. I wish I was a man then I would end this foolish war and demand balls and parties instead."

Scarlett wanted to go home to Tara and planned to leave soon, but Melanie spoiled her plans.

"Please don't leave me, you're more dear then any sister to me. I need you when the baby come and you promised Ashley to take care of me" Melanie said the last part with a smile. She knew of the promise Scarlett had given Ashley. Scarlett grew cold, she remembered her promise as well, but she also remembered what her loving Ashley had caused and more clearly, than anything remembered her cross to bear; Melanie, and Ashley if he was alive.

"Why won't life let me forget what I have done and have mercy on me"

"Yes Melly I remember, you will be coming with me to Tara, Mother will love having you there." Scarlett was proud of herself; she would have it her way and would be keeping her promise as well.

But Dr. Meade would hear of no such thing as to move Melanie. "Mrs. Wilkes is in no condition to travel". Scarlett was forced to stay in Atlanta watching aunt Pitty leaving the city in fear, but she couldn't go anywhere.

One night when Scarlett sat on the front porch she heard footsteps approaching her, and she expectedly looked to see who came. She didn't like to be alone; too many thoughts nailed her and none of then pleasant. The visitor was Rhett Butler. She quietly watched him approach, as always she enjoyed his physique, he was in one piece and very well looking, and not like the soldiers she had met recently. As always she was overwhelmed with his masculinity and strength. She knew he turned the heads of many girls as well as young matrons.

"How I do run on, it's not like I'm in love with Rhett"

"Hallo my dear Mrs. Hamilton, I heard Miss Pittypat had left and thought you had gone with her. Why are you still here?" He didn't sound pleased.

"Melanie cannot travel in her condition Rhett but I long home so bad it hurts."

"Hush now Scarlett it will be all right" Rhett's voice was gentler then ever and without any mockery. "You will be safe here!"

"How can I be safe when the Yankees are coming and they will-" she couldn't go on. No lady spoke of such things the Yankees did to women.

"The Yankees are human as us, I bet they won't rape you even if they wanted to. They wouldn't dare."

Scarlett rose from her chair "I will not have you insult me Rhett!"

Rhett grabbed her hand and placed her back in the chair, "Calm down, I know it's what every nice lady thinks. And you are a nice lady aren't you Mrs. Hamilton?" the mocking was back in Rhett's voice.

Scarlett sighed

"It's rather ironic that you so unselfishly stay with Mrs. Wilkes, my impression was that you rather saw her death and considered her silly and stupid. After all she is married to you most beloved Ashley Wilkes"

Scarlett's eyes grow wide with fear. His talking of death made her sacred.

"Why did he have to mention Ashley?"

"Melanie is like a sister to me so of course I stay" Scarlett lied "No one must ever know what I have done, that I caused Ashley's death and I cannot be the cause of Melanie's"

Rhett saw the fear in Scarlett's eyes but thought it was Scarlett's love for Ashley that put it there.

"Scarlett could you ever love me?"

"No! Never! - You are a cad and the worse skunk I ever met. Do you love me?" Scarlett knew this game she had him right where she wanted him now, he would obey her every wish from now on.

"Love you. God no! But I'm rather fond of you and attracted to you. Are you fond of me my dear Mrs. Hamilton?"

"Fond of you? Why, yes. Are you asking me to marry you?" Scarlett looked at Rhett through narrowed eyes, now, he had her full attention.

Rhett busted into a heavy laughter "No I am not the marrying kind. But I have waited for you to grow up Scarlett and forget about the wood headed Ashley Wilkes. I have never been attracted to anyone this long and waited this long for her. I'm asking you to be my mistress"

Scarlett turned red from anger "You mistress! All I would get from that was a house full of brats"

"You are at least honest Mrs. Hamilton, you are the only female to consider the facts and speaks honestly about them," he laughed at her, making Scarlett's blood boil.

"Go to hell Rhett Butler! Don't ever show your nasty face here again. I hate you! Hate you!" she cried.

Scarlett wanted to slam the door in his face but it was too heavy for her, so she ran upstairs and left it to him to slam the door for her.

"How dare he? I will find a way to pay the mighty Rhett Butler back".

Chapter three will come…


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

I am not the happy owner of anything regarding "Gone With the Wind" or "Scarlett"!

(I've found inspiration to rewrite this part of ACTB, hope you will like. If, I will update and don't worry; I will update A Glimmer of Hope)

Scarlett was frustrated, she had returned to her hospital duties now that Melanie was out of bed again, but life had turned to be awful complicated. The battle was too close to be ignored or to pretend, that all it would take was one more battle and then, it would be over in a blaze of glory. The soldiers were too serious wounded to hold any charms; all they did were to ask for news of the war. All social life had stopped, almost every house in Atlanta were in mourning and no one felt like celebrating anything anymore. At the Hamilton house the situation was grave; it was difficult to buy food and the only servant Scarlett and Melanie had left was Prissy, and she was in total lack of cooking skills. The same could be said of Scarlett; Melanie was the only one with some skills around a kitchen. Scarlett knew she had to do something soon or they would starve severely, more than they did now. She couldn't go to Tara, the trains had stopped transporting civilians and she had no horse. Aunt Pitty had given her horse to the hospital before she left Atlanta. But the situation would have been worse, if it hadn't been for Rhett Butler, he came by the house every second or third day with some supplies, it was only due to his connections and money they had some food to eat.

Scarlett hated to be in debt to Rhett Butler, it made her feel weak and she hated that feeling. And he always looked at her in a odd, intense way like he was searching for something, but she couldn't understand what he expected to find and that confused her. Another thing that confused Scarlett, was that she didn't know what to fill her awaking hours with anymore, before it had always been images of Ashley filling her daydreams. Now she had nothing to daydream about- except, that the face of Rhett Butler kept turning up in her thoughts.

"He is very handsome in a rough way, he is always the master of all situations- almost as a pirate. Yes, that is what he is; a pirate"

She couldn't figure out why he entered her thoughts like he did, and she hadn't really any whish to investigate it further.

"I will think about it tomorrow when I have time", but she never had time. Soon wounded soldiers started invading the house on Peachtree Street and all three women had to nurse them and take in as many wounded, as the house had room to. That meant more mouths to feed.

In these days Rhett stopped by every day with food, he also offered Scarlett a pause from her duties, often he escorted her to the backyard and listen to her complains.

"Oh Rhett I want to go home to Tara, this is unbearable, if only I had a horse then we would go".

"I understand why you want to go home Scarlett, I myself will soon leave"

"Leave! Where Rhett? You can't just leave us here. We will die!"

Scarlett was horrified, to whom could she turn to when Rhett was gone?.

"I'm honoured, that you think so much of me Scarlett, I will join our grey boys for the last battle" His voice was serious.

"God's nightgown Rhett!. Why will you fight for a lost cause and one you don't believe in? I thought you were wiser Rhett!"

He smiled "Maybe I have a weakness for lost causes Scarlett. Will you miss me?".

Scarlett didn't answered right away her mind in tumults.

"What will I do without Rhett? How can I provide for Melly and who will help me get home to Tara?"

She peered into Rhett's eyes "I can't let him go"

"I will miss you Rhett. Don't go!" she begged.

He looked at her for some time with a blank face

"Why would you miss me my dear Mrs. Hamilton? Would it be me or my money you would miss? Prey tell me"

Scarlett dimpled and lowered her eyes in her most charming way "Of course it will be you I'll miss Rhett. How can you ask me such a question?"

Her behaviour and answered made Rhett laugh,

"Your Southern belle ways won't work with me Scarlett. Don't pretend you care when you don't. I read you like an open book dear Mrs. Hamilton.

"That skunk! Why can't he just pretend to believe me like a true gentleman would. What will I do, how will I get home now?"

Suddenly a thought occurred her, a frightening and horrifying thought but it was the only plan at her hands right now.

She took a deep breath and found the courage to go along with her plan, finding the will she looked straight into Rhett's black and unreadable eyes.

"If you find a horse and a carriage to take us to Tara, I will become your mistress as a payment"

When the words were spoken, she looked at her hands, too embarrassed to look at him.

Rhett stepped closer "Are we talking about one payment or more payments Mrs. Hamilton?"

"Oh! I don't know. Would one time be enough to pay you Rhett?"

"Hardly!"

He laughed at her and it boiled her temper, but just before she could take back her words; she remembered Tara and she said nothing.

"I will settle with two payments Scarlett. I don't really have time for more. Your first payment will be tomorrow. I will pick you up at noon. Be ready!"

With that he left her.

Scarlett was shaken "What will Mother think of me? She can't ever know or she will be devastated, she will never understand that I needed badly to go home, and pa will find Rhett and try to force him to marry me. I can't let that happen."

She couldn't go inside yet, she needed to calm herself down. It had sounded so right and easy, when she planned it in her head, but so wrong when she said it. And now it sounded awful, what would she do?

"Will he hurt me and what does he expects of me? I wish I knew"

All Scarlett could think of was Rhett's burning, unreadable black eyes; he had never been fooled with her as most men were, always did he see through her and she never knew anything about him. He was always capable at teasing her temper but also of helping her.

"Will he know my secret or can't men not tell these things. Oh! Rhett isn't like most men. Oh what will I do? This time I'm into deep!"

Scarlett would wait outside long enough for Melanie to have retired, then she would go inside and prepare the few soldiers left for bed. Hopefully the remaining four wounded soldiers would be transferred to one of the hospitals tomorrow morning. Stepping inside she realized that Melanie had already taken care of the four gentlemen and she only had to clean a few dishes in the kitchen.

Normally Scarlett hated that part of house keeping, but tonight it helped her to avoid thinking of tomorrow, she lingered in the kitchen, until she had cleaned the tables and floor and nothing more had to be done.

In her bed Scarlett couldn't stop her mind from spinning; she tried to remember her previous marriage but it all was a blur and she was met by blank spots in her memories. Like back then, she was surrounded by a fog when she tried to remember anything about that time.

_She had hasted marriage without reflecting on what would follow after her woes, Ellen had begged her daughter to postpone the wedding and follow the proper engagement standards, which would at least be six months and better 12 months. Ellen's talk of wisdom was never heard by her oldest daughter, ever since her encounter with Ashley, Scarlett had struggled with the fog, that surrounded her; making only one thing seem real to her; she would marry and that quickly. Why she would marry and whom she would marry, she failed to remember but it was most important, she gave her mother a sullen face and hardhead refused to listen to her saintly mother. _

Scarlett had weak memories of a young shy boy, that had claimed her as his bride, now and then the fog gave her glints of brown calve eyes full of adorations and forever love. But more often even that glint was covered with the thick fog making her wondering, if Charles, indeed, were the owner of brown calve eyes.

_The fog consumed Scarlett and drained her for all life, her detachment was excused by the turmoil of preparations; nobody really had the time to watch her closely enough to notice, that Scarlett was not in this world. Before she knew it, Scarlett walked down the stairs of Tara at her father's arm, dressed in Ellen's wedding dress. Scarlett was paler than ever and never heard one words of the preacher's tale; how she managed to reply in the right places she would never know. She remembered the cold feeling of Charles pressing his cold lips against hers. If it hadn't been for the fog she would have screamed in disgust. _

_She remembered Melanie's eyes shinning with love and her words of _

"_Now we are truly sisters" _

_She had no idea of what food had been served or what music had been played, she vaguely remembered dancing with Gerald._

_Realization stuck, when Charles appeared in his nightshirt from her dressing-room, regrets filled her; she had never wanted this shy, sissy boy standing beside her bed, she wanted Ashley. What had she done? She was sixteen years old and would forever be bound to a clumsy boy, whom expected to share her bed. Of course, it was normal for spouses occupying the same bed, her mother and father did, but she would not share her bed with this strange boy. She spoke in a hoarse whisper _

"_I'll scream out loud if you come near me. I will! I will-at the top of my voice! Get away from me! Don't you ever dare touch me!". _

_Charles too scared to argue with this to him unknown temper, never before, had anyone spoken in such a hoarse tone of voice or spoken so unkindly words to him. He obeyed his new bride and spent his wedding night in a chair. He greatly admired his bride for being so delicate and fragile, that she denied him his marital rights, he knew he had to be very gentle with her, assuring her there was nothing to be afraid of, he would never hurt her in any way. But he was not prepared for Scarlett's temper, nothing in his life had prepared him for anything but sweetness, and Scarlett was not known for her sweetness. Charles had entered the tiger's cage without the skills to tame the animal before him. When the second night of their marriage came, Scarlett hadn't come closer to accepting her wifely duties. She turned a deaf ear to Charlie's assurances, that he would be gentle and that he understood she was scared, but all married people shared the same bed. Scarlett just repeated the words from the night before and threatens him with a vase. She was not afraid! Never! _

_But this weak boy would never touch her; never had she hated a kiss more than when it was a kiss from her husband. If she only had thought before jumping into this marriage, it would never had happened "_

_Why didn't I listen to mother, I hate being married. My life is over". _

_So for the second night in a row Scarlett occupied her bed alone, and Charles crumbled in the same chair as the night before, he was fearing he would be off to war without knowing the pleasures of marriage. _

_Ellen had never prepared her for the actions happening in the wedding bed, except vaguely mentioning that wifely duties were something one had to bear. Scarlett had no idea what the wifely duties would be but she knew it was because of them; Charles wanted to share her bed _

"_Over my death body" _

_She swore to herself. She wished she could undo the past three weeks and wake up as the county belle again, but life didn't grant her that wish. Scarlett blamed Charles for her misfortune and whished he would go to hell or at least disappear. Stubbornly, she repeated her previously actions on the third night of her marriage. Charles plagued her to be fair fore he was leaving in two days, but Scarlett would hear none of if, so dear Charles retired. He told himself that Scarlett needed time, she was just too young and innocent and he was clueless how to handle her, he gave in and didn't come near her bed ever again. _

Scarlett awoke with a start, she knew she had been dreaming of her first wedding but she couldn't remember the days or Charles, she saw soft brown calve eyes before her own eyes. They must belong to her long death husband. It was still night, a full moon was shinning through her window, covering the room in its gentle, soft light. It was a night for sweet dreaming, but Scarlett was too tense and worried about tomorrow to enjoy the beauty before her eyes. Or for sweet dreaming, and dreaming of Charles wasn't exactly sweet. In fact it made her more nervous about tomorrow.

"I can't sweet talk or bully Rhett from getting paid, I know I've to go through with it. Maybe it had been better, if I had shared my bed with Charles, then at least I would know what to expect"

The thought made her nauseous, Charlie's touches would have been awful.

"I'm sure Rhett knows what he's doing and I doubt I'll feel bad from his touches. After all he is handsome and rich".

Her late husband hadn't been poor but rather wealthy, but it escaped Scarlett that she shouldn't have felt sick from her husband's touches; if Rhett's money was the reason she would like his. But as always Scarlett was just happy to have an understandable reason, without looking too deep into her feelings to explain things, and little did it matter, that nobody else would understand her reason. She was satisfied.

The next morning Scarlett felt as tired as she had before going to bed the night before; her night had been restless and hunted by dreams of her short marriage to Charles. Now when she was awake; it was her mother whom hunted her and Ashley, but she wouldn't allow Ashley to enter her thoughts ever again

"What would he think of me?. He would never had suggested anything so daring, even if his life was in danger"

She couldn't stay in bed any longer; the soldiers needed her, hopefully for the last morning. She met Melanie in the kitchen; together they prepared a mare breakfast for the people in the Hamilton house. Scarlett was distant and quieter than usually and more than once she felt Melanie's eyes on her, but she just ignored it and Melanie was too tactful to ask questions.

"Umm-Melanie, I have to leave the house at noon and I don't know when I will be home again. Will you be all right?"

"Dear, of course you need some time away from the house, the soldiers will be fetched in an hour and I will manage just fine. I think I will rest and besides I have Prissy. Don't you worry dear"

"I do- I do worry! But not about you"

Scarlett kept the words to herself, Melanie would never understand anyway. The day went by very slowly and at the same time very fast. Just before noon Scarlett washed up and changed her dress and when the watch in the parlour announced it was twelve o'clock, Rhett arrived in a carriage. Melanie opened the door for Rhett and thanked him for the food supplies he had with him and offered him a drink, which he politely declined

"I've promised Scarlett a picnic so please excuse us Mrs. Wilkes. Will you be fine on your own?"

To Scarlett's surprise, he sounded honest in his question

"You two go on. I will be fine and Scarlett needs a break from nursing. Go on".

Scarlett hadn't said a word since Rhett had arrived; Rhett gave her a quick glance and offered her his arm.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

_I am not the happy owner of anything regarding "Gone With the Wind" _

(A/N Thanks for the reviews. Please leave feedback, it helps and sorry of the mistake with Pansy/Prissy)

In the carriage Rhett broke the tense silence,

"This is the carriage you will get in payment for your offered deal. Will it do my dear Mrs. Hamilton?"

He still didn't look at her and his voice sounded strange and distant, Scarlett hadn't paid much attention to the carriage before, but now she took a good long look at it.

"It's perfect Rhett. Thank you"

"Perfect and perfect! But it will get you to Tara I do believe, and not many carriages and horses are available these days"

Finally he looked at her.

"I will take you for a picnic at my hotel room Scarlett, I don't think it would be wise to picnic outside with the battle so close to Atlanta"

He saw her tense and continued,

"Don't be afraid my dear Mrs. Hamilton, I will not hurt you and after all you have been married to that boy Charles."

His last sentence made her tense even more, she covered her nerves with a tense laughter,

"I'm not afraid Rhett but I'm just not used to be a loose woman"

Finally Rhett turned to her and said in a serious voice.

"There is nothing loose about you Scarlett, please don't ever think that".

It was a short ride and before Scarlett had prepared for what was in store, she was stepping through the doors of Rhett's hotel and climbing the stairs to his room. All the way up she felt questioning eyes burning into her back, but she was too ashamed to turn and look at the reception manager, she was sure it his eyes following her. Instead she fastens her eyes on the back of Rhett, who was a few steps ahead of her, leading the way. Rhett held the door for Scarlett and she took a deep breath and entered the room-his room.

It was a very masculine room with heavy dark furniture and it smelled of cigars and whiskey, the odours made Scarlett relax. These were smells she knew and that made her think of her father and she felt safe. Rhett noticed the change in Scarlett and smiled, he would never admit it but he was nervous too.

"What is it about this woman that makes me come back over and over? I will get my payment today, even if she is scared and doesn't love me. I will be gentle with her but I want her too badly to stop now."

"Come over here Scarlett" he begged.

Scarlett turned and looks to his side, he was standing before a spot on the floor covered with a thick blanket with plates, glasses and meals for two.

"I did promise you a picnic my dear Mrs. Hamilton, please make yourself comfortable".

Scarlett situated at the blanket and took the glass of wine Rhett offered her "To your beautiful green eyes Scarlett"

He said in a toast, Scarlett drank a large drop of the wine and decided to enjoy the food before her, it was a long time ago she had eaten this well. Rhett was amused at her healthy appetite,

"It's good to see a woman that enjoys her food for a change. It's a rarely sight"

He laughed in a friendly way.

"Mother in Heaven! he can be pleasant company when he wants. He is charming in a pirate way, maybe this won't be so bad after all"

The thought made her blush.

Rhett enjoyed the beauty of a blushing Scarlett, this was a new side of her he didn't know, he wanted their time together to be pleasant and without the normally anger and insults. When they had the coffee Scarlett asked Rhett to tell her of his blockade adventures, he decide to tell her of Paris and the latest fashion. Like expected his tale made her eyes shine with excitement and her mouth a little open in amazement.

"God she looks too tempting and beautiful"

He couldn't wait anymore and moved closer to kiss her fully on her lips. First it was a sweet kiss, but when she didn't withdraw he deepened the kiss and lost himself in the sweet, warmth of her mouth. Scarlett was quickly loosing herself in the sensations Rhett's kisses started in her body; she felt warm, fluttered, her body started to tangle and her breathing became heavy. She didn't object when Rhett lifted her up in his strong arms and carried her to the bedroom.

There was no thought left of modesty or doubt but the wonderful feelings from Rhett's kisses and touches. Rhett was surprised and very grateful of Scarlett's reactions to him, never had he dreamt she would willingly meet his passion in this warm and inviting way. When she whispered,

"Please be careful Rhett, it's my first time"

It was his undoing and there was no turning back. He knew it was wrong of him to take advantages of her innocent but he was beyond reason. Never had kissing a woman made him feel as kissing Scarlett did nor had any woman stirred this engrossing passion in him, and never had he felt this deeply for any woman before Scarlett. If he wasn't careful she would consume him and he would be at her beg and call forever, he knew it would be right and wise to stop. Scarlett's virtue wasn't something to take lightly but the mare thought, that she would be his completely, allowing him into places no one had been before him was too tempting and for the first time ever, Rhett lost control and gave into his passion.

"God I do love this woman" was Rhett's last thought before Scarlett demanded his full attention.

Scarlett opened her eyes slowly, she was still in Rhett's arms, she lifted her head and met Rhett's dark, warm eyes as he claimed her lips in another passionate kiss, and ,again, she granted him full access to her body without holding anything back. When the sun disappeared Scarlett awoke from her dream state of mind and reality stuck her without mercy.

"Oh my God! Now I'm a loose woman. He will never marry me. Oh, why did I enjoy it so much? I can't love him! I just can't, it will be too dangerous"

She started moving out of the bed, when Rhett draw her back into his arms,

"Thank you for letting me be your first, I will never forget it. Will…"

Before he could finish Scarlett laughed lightly

"Well, we made a deal didn't we Captain Butler. Now if you will please let me go".

In one second his face became hard and the blank expression returned to his eyes. Rhett couldn't see her eyes, Scarlett hid them from him so he wouldn't see the tears and despair in them. Her words stuck deeper than any knife ever could, he had spent an awake hour to think of his actions and the reasons behind his behaviour and had reached the conclusion, that he would be a skunk, if he didn't offer her some kind of security after their lovemaking. He only needed to decide what kind of security he was willing to give, more than once the word marriage had come into his mind but truth to be told, it scared the hell of him. When Scarlett had cut him short, he almost could have sworn he was about to ask for her hand in marriage, but he was eager to reassured himself it was not so. And with Scarlett's words he was glad she had interrupted him before he had gotten into her web.

"Well, Mrs. Hamilton we did, didn't we. Don't you worry, your secret will be safe with me."

His words made her tense with horror.

"My Mother! She must never know. Oh, what have I done?"

Rhett saw her shame and misunderstood it, with a mocking, cold laughter he said

"Do not worry about the wood headed Mr. Wilkes, he will never know" Scarlett was taken aback.

"Ashley! Why will he mention Ashley? Never mind, let him just think I worry about Ashley and not my mother".

"Get dressed and I will take you home, your payment is done. I will leave tomorrow and don't have time for your next payment. It has been a pleasure making business with you Scarlett."

"Business! Is that what is was to him?"

For some reason, she didn't understand why the thought was unbearable to her

"Damn you Rhett Butler. I hope you will go to hell and I never will see you again. Ever!"

He just laughed. He drove her home in silence. Outside the house he gave her the reins and in a pleading voice asked her to take care of herself and Melanie, and not doing anything stupid. She just glared, coldly at him and uttered no word when he left.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

_I am not the happy owner of anything regarding "Gone With the Wind" _

(A/N Thanks for reviewing, I would be glad for feedbacks. I think the story soon will take another direction than the book did)

Luck was with her, Melanie was in bed, when she entered the house, Scarlett wouldn't face any one just now

"What have I done?"

The words were repeated over and over, but strangely she didn't feel ashamed any more. Her body was glooming from Rhett's lovemaking and she felt more alive than ever before in her life.

"If that was the wifely duty, I wouldn't mind being married to Rhett Butler, and the best thing is that I don't love him. But I really do like his lips when they are kissing me. Why did Mother warn me about my wifely duties?. I will think about that tomorrow, when I'm not so tired. Where is that silly Prissy, when I need her?"

Scarlett didn't bother to knock on Prissy's door, she just walked right in;

"Prissy wake up your lazy girl! I need to get undress now. Come and help me with my stays"

A sleepy Prissy fumbled with undressing her mistress and it took forever before Scarlett was in bed. Scarlett was tired, her body comfortably relaxed but a little sore. Her lips were smiling from their own will, and every time she closed her eyes, the face of Rhett Butler appeared; he was smiling that very special warm smile, he had given her after their first lovemaking and his eyes were burning with passion and- and something she couldn't detect. Scarlett was a bit confused, for years Ashley had been the one she saw when she closed her eyes, truthfully if she wasn't careful his face still hunted her. As it had only yesterday. And now she couldn't envision Ashley's face if her life depended upon it. All she saw was the face of Rhett and the remembrance of his kisses and touches, with a happy smile she drifted into the calmness of sleep.

Melanie's cry for help awoke Scarlett just before dawn, confused Scarlett open her eyes and saw her room.

Had it only been a dream? But then she heard Melanie's cry again, she sounded like a small animal in great pain. Without hesitation, Scarlett jumped out of her bed and ran to Melanie's room, she busted in without knocking and found Melanie covered with sweat and tossing from pain.

"Mother of God Melanie! Is it the baby?"

"Thank God! Your are here Scarlett. I'm sorry but my baby will come now."

"Prissy-PRISSY! Get your lazy bones in here now" Scarlett yelled.

When a tired Prissy arrived she was sent for Dr. Meade

"Be fast you silly girl".

Scarlett had dreaded this day for long; she didn't know anything of childbirth and didn't really want to.

"What is taking Dr. Meade so long, just when I want to get out of this room? How can Melanie be so selfish to have her baby to day, when we were going home?"

Scarlett fetched some cold water to wipe Melanie's face with.

"Please don't go Scarlett, I will die if you go, I know I will. You are so strong"

"Don't be silly Melanie Wilkes. Of course, I will stay but I need to boil some water. I will be right back"

Melanie released her hand and Scarlett left the room in a hurry, she needed to breath some fresh air and calm herself, fore she was scared. Scared that Melanie would die when she-Scarlett was responsible for her. And Melanie was Scarlett's burden because of Ashley. In the kitchen she started to boil water, when she heard Prissy returning in a snail's speed. Scarlett ran to the door.

"Where is he? Why are you alone?"

"Dr. Meade is tending to the wounded soldiers and Mrs. Meade is tendin' to a seriouz wounded Miz Phil and no one else is home. Everybody left, Miz Scarlett".

Prissy was panicking and Scarlett felt as panicked as her. She couldn't let that happen, she was not some stupid girl.

Getting herself together with all the mental strength she processed she said; "Prissy calm down now or I will sell you deeper South. When the water has boiled bring it to Miss Melanie's room. And as many towels as you can find and be quick"

With that Scarlett went to Melanie's room, again her feet was heavy and her heart beating wildly.

"What will I do? I don't know what to do" Slowly she entered the dark room again.

"Is that you Scarlett?"

"Yes, Melanie, it's me. I'm sorry but Dr. Meade can't come. I think I will go look for him. Yes I will just do that".

Melanie screamed, "NO! Please don't go. I don't think you can make it before the baby comes"

"God's nightgown, how long have you been in labour Melanie?"

Melanie refused to look at her.

"Melanie Wilkes!"

"Since a few hours after you left yesterday" She whispered in a small, shameful voice.

"Mother of God Melanie! I need some light in here"

Scarlett lightened as many candles as she had at hand and soon the room was nearly as light as daytime.

When she saw Melanie she was shocked; Melanie looked deathly weak and as white as a ghost, Scarlett could tell Melanie was in heavy pains.

For the first time in months Scarlett prayed, she had not prayed since news of Ashley had stopped, too ashamed of having caused his death.

"Please dear God, let Melanie and her baby live. I will treat Melanie better if you just let her live. Please don't let me bear this cross also".

Soon there wasn't time for praying; the child was on its way. Just then, Prissy arrived with hot water and towels, Scarlett could have kissed the girl, she badly needed some one with her to keep her sane.

She prepared Melanie for the birth as well as she could without any experiences in this area, but she couldn't help Melanie from getting weaker and weaker. Melanie's body refused to deliver the baby.

"Scarlett, promise me that you will take care of my child, if something happens to me. Please raise a boy to be just as my dear Ashley. And if it's a girl, I want her to be just like you. Please Scarlett".

"Fiddle Dee Dee Melly, don't speak of death, you will not die"

Scarlett was horrified, Melanie couldn't die.

"Please Scarlett, I love you as if you had been my own sister" Melanie whispered with a thin voice drained from life.

"Does it ever stop? How much do I have to pay for my sin? How many crosses do I have to bear?".

The words never left Scarlett's lips, instead she said;

"Sure Melly, I will take care of your child, but only if you will gather your strength and push as hard as you can. NOW!"

Melanie smiled a weak smile and pushed with the last strength in her body. Soon the cry of a baby was heard.

Scarlett was proud, she and not Prissy, had delivered Melanie's baby. She bathed the little one and wrapped it up in a thick blanket and walked to Melanie's side.

"Say hallo to you son Melanie".

Melanie opened her tired eyes and smiled a smile, that almost made her look beautiful.

"Hallo Beau, I'm your mother and this is your Godmother Scarlett"

Melanie fell asleep with her newborn son besides her. Exhausted Scarlett found her bed and feel asleep.

Again, Scarlett awoke to crying; this time it was baby Beau.

"What's the matter with this house? Why is he crying?"

Reluctantly, she left her warm bed to tend to Melanie. Melanie was too weak to comfort the baby and she hadn't any strength left in her arms to hold him. Scarlett placed the boy at his mother's breast and placed pillows around Melanie to support her weak arms.

It was then she heard it.

Atlanta was in uproar, people were screaming outside the house, as fast as she could, Scarlett gathered her robe and ran to the gate.

"What's the matter?" She yelled to a passing, wounded soldier, he too tired to lie any more answered;

"The Yankees are coming. Atlanta will fall, you need to leave as fast as you can, don't hesitate. The Yankees will be here in hours".

Never had Scarlett been so frightened.

"The Yankees are coming. I must go home now. Mother of God help me!"

She ran inside and shouted for Prissy

"Pack mine and Melanie's clothes and the baby's and yours, we'll leave now. Get moving girl or I'll spank you".

Scarlett went to Melanie.

"Are the Yankees coming dear Scarlett? You must leave, don't let me stop you".

"Hush Melanie, I'll get dressed and then I'll help you into your dress. I'll not leave you behind".

With the words spoken in a harsh voice, Scarlett left for her own room, she was so scared that her hands trembled, making it difficult for her to get dressed. Scarlett couldn't calm her hands enough to lace up, so she just dressed without her stays.

As promised, she helped Melanie and Beau. After that, she placed their belongings into the carriage and told Prissy to bring the baby. Despite the smallness of Melanie, she was too heavy for Scarlett too carry alone and she called for Prissy. Together, Prissy and Scarlett, supported Melanie, one on each side, half carrying and half pulling her to the carriage. In the process Melanie turned even paler than she already was but not a sound escaped her lips. Inside the carriage Melanie was laid on one seat covered with blankets and Prissy was ordered to tend to the baby. Scarlett had to drive the carriage and without looking back she started the journey to Tara.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

_I do not owe anything from Gone With The Wind, just the idea of this story._

_(A/N Hope you enjoy! Thanks for reviewing, please leave feedback it does help when writing a story. I have made some corrections, hope the chapter will be easier to read now, if not please let me know. I'm sorry but I'm not fluent in English)_

People was mad from angst, more then once Scarlett had to speed the horse, because somebody reached for the reins, with intentions of stealing the horse and carriage. The city was burning and its citizens fleeing.

Scarlett was strangely calm, she knew they would be doomed if she panicked. Without thinking she just acted, she hadn't time to see if her passengers were fine or not and she hadn't really any thoughts for them. She had to keep her focus on getting out of Atlanta, if they should make it. Never before had she seen people acting out of raw fear, people, who was prepared to kill to survive and to be honest, Scarlett didn't know how far she would go to survive. Somehow, she had crossed a border with her actions yesterday and she was glad she had; if she hadn't she wouldn't have been able to flee Atlanta now. She just knew she would never be the same as before yesterday.

After what seemed like forever, they finally were out of Atlanta and the road was less travelled now.

Leaving the main road, Scarlett stopped the carriage and checked on her passengers. Melanie had passed out, Beau was sleeping and Prissy whining, Scarlett gave her no attention and took the reins again. Her intuition told her to stay off the main roads and fellow the small and less known paths; it would take longer to get to Tara but she felt it would be safer. Normally, Scarlett wasn't known to use her intuition, but today she listened and just trusted what she felt was right.

The day turned into night and rain started, making the travellers cold into their bones, no blanket was thick enough to keep the cold out and the horse was old and getting more and more tired for each step it took.

Scarlett stopped for a short break, Melanie was still unconscious. The baby was cold and freezing.

"Place the baby in Melanie's arms and cover them up real good Prissy. Place the baby in a way that Melanie so can't drop him"

"Miz Scarlett, I'm hungry and cold!"

"You will have to manage Prissy. I have no time for your whining behaviours. Be quiet or I'll leave you here".

Tiredly, Scarlett motivated the horse to move again, hoping it would make it to Tara.

She must have closed her eyes for a moment, because when she looked up again she was on the road to Tara. She was minutes away from her home.

"Mother! Pa! I'm home"

She almost shouted the words but then remembered herself and called the words in a more ladylike fashion. Getting closer, it was still too dark to see Tara and she felt scared of what she would find.

"Please, let there be a Tara. I can't live if it's gone! Please, let my Mother and pa be safe at Tara."

She speeded the horse but it was too tired to move any faster. Then in the light of a nearly full moon, she saw Tara and it was a beautiful sight, even if it didn't look as grand as it used to. Scarlett stopped the horse, jumped down from the carriage and ran to the door while yelling.

"Mother! Pa! I'm home. It's me Scarlett. Katie Scarlett! Mother!"

The door opened slowly and Pork's face was to be seen.

"Miz Scarlett, thank Heaven you're home"

He opened the door widely and now Mammy came into vision too.

"Pork! Mammy! it's so good to see you. Where are Mother and pa?"

Mammy hid her face in her hands but said nothing.

"Pork help miss Melanie and her baby inside and tell Prissy to take care of the baby."

Turning to Mammy she pulled mammy's hands away from her face.

"Where is Mother? Tell me at once Mammy"

But all Mammy could do was crying, Scarlett turned deathly white and turned to Pork, who was coming down the stairs.

"Pork, where are Mother and pa?"

"Oh! Miz Scarlett! first the Yankees came and use Tara as their headquarter and burning down the barn"

"Yankees at Tara?"

"Yes, Miz Scarlett and then Miz Ellen caught the typhus from tending to the 'em white trash the Slattery's and then Mizter Gerald took sick and then the girls. And- And oh! Miz Ellen died and soon after Mizter Gerald went too."

Now, Pork was crying. Tears were running down Scarlett's cheeks but she didn't notice "And my sisters Pork?"

"They are upstairs recovering."

Scarlett was heartbroken; she needed her Mother badly, but she had come home to late. As a sleepwalker Scarlett headed to her mother's office, stepping into the room she would have sworn she smelled her mother's perfume.

For a brief moment she felt safe and sixteen again. Turning her head to the chair, opposite the desk, she saw a busy Ellen looking over the numbers. But too soon the picture faded, for that was all it was, a memory from a time long gone. Abruptly, she was back in the present.

She was alone, her mother would not help her anymore and her father would not spoil her anymore. Her parents had let her down, when she needed them most. Scarlett's eyes widened in fear and her hand covered her mouth.

"I must not think ill of Mother, she is a saint and a real lady"

But she could not deny her feelings, and did she feel betrayed from the two people in the world, who were supposed to always be there for her. Her parents had not prepared her for this; nothing in her life had prepared her for this situation. A Southern belle was never raised to face hardships or wrongs, she was raised never to think or decide anything on her own. First her parents with her pa in front would guide her, then her husband. Now life had left Scarlett without neither a father nor a husband but a household to run without money or training to do so. Life, these days, seem to laugh at her, testing her to see what she was capable of.

"Was she, Scarlett O'Hara, a survivor or a weaker human being?"

Too tired and overwhelmed with life Scarlett took seat in the settee and closed her eyes, soon sleep took mercy on her and granted her peace, even if it was only for a brief moment.

That night her nightmare started.

_She was cold, hungry, scared and alone, a deep fog covered her and her surroundings and she was looking for shelter. On her way she met loved ones; the first one was Ashley _

"_You killed me Scarlett" _

_His face covered with hate, Scarlett ran away from him as fast as she could, meeting her dear mother next._

"_Mother, please help me!" _

"_You killed me. Why did you love me Scarlett? _

_Too scared to stay she ran the opposite way, just to meet her father. _

"_Look what you did to me, it was your love that killed me". _

_Scarlett was devastated and cried harder and harder. Where could she turn to?_

_It was then she saw the back of a person. It was a broad back of a strong person, but she couldn't see who is was and the person moved faster than she did and away from her. If only she would reach that person she would be safe, she just knew it._

Scarlett awoke covered in sweat and from her own screaming, her heart was beating wildly, she lighten the candle, too scared of the dark not to. She was amazed that her scream hadn't awoken anybody but her. She couldn't sleep anymore, she needed to get out of the house for some fresh air. Scarlett went to her favourite tree, the one she had climbed most often as a child. There she sat very still in the pouring rain, leaning against the tree. It was a big tree with branches close to the ground and all the way up. It was a tree a little girl could climb fast, if she needed to get away from trouble. But it took courage to climb the tree fore the branches might be close to the ground but not close enough to reach without efforts and some of the branches were far apart from the next branch.

But when you were familiar with the tree you could escape fast. The crown was big and thick enough to cover up a little girl not wanting to be seen, and the apples were red and juicy. Scarlett took some of the strength the tree offered and realised some of her sorrow to the tree in return; indeed Scarlett got her strength from Tara and its nature.

"Did I really kill my parents as I killed Ashley?"

Somehow she didn't believe she had, fore she had been far from Tara when they had died and hadn't done anything wrong, they had died before her time with Rhett.

"It's just to remind me I can't ever love a man again"

She assured herself.

Inside again, she was allowed into a deep sleep.


End file.
